Thoughts: Napoleon (2023)
I won’t offer a spoiler warning, go pick up a book.
I will also keep it short, like the titular character of Mr Ridley Scott’s newest blockbuster Napoleon.
As a history girlie, I had no choice but to go and watch almost 3 hours of Joaquin Phoenix in an oversized hat trying to overcome mommy issues. Napoleon is most definitely what you would call a polarising figure. He was a smart military tactician and most importantly, the main reason we have the great music of ABBA and the Mamma Mia! movies. The last time I watched Joaquin play an Emperor in a Ridley Scott film, it triggered my weird obsession with ancient history and it led me to rediscover my love for the soundtrack from the 1997 animated masterpiece Hercules.
Another reason why I RAN to see the movie is because of my love for drama and mess. Ridley Scott is the Wendy Williams of the film world. He is just shady and messy as hell. When the reviews dropped for Napoleon, a lot of French critics criticised the film for being historically inaccurate. Do you know what the King of Mess, Ridley Scott, said in response?
“The French don’t even like themselves.”
Ridley Scott, Wendy Williams would be proud
I’m convinced auditioning for the role of weird, psychopath with severe mommy issues is Joaquin Phoenix’s happy place.
And he's going to eat up the role every damn time
Now for my actual thoughts on the film.
Napoleon is proof to never underestimate a short man and his cannons.
If you’re a short king or know a short king, I would highly recommend heading to your local cinema to watch Ridley Scott’s Napoleon. A FANTASTIC confidence boost!
I absolutely love drama and mess and historically, Napoleon was one messy man.
History remembers him as a revolutionary military tactician, but I know him as the man who kidnapped the Pope and hung the Mona Lisa in his bedroom. Because he could.
That’s like me kidnapping Beyonce and having her perform all 3 hours of the Renaissance Tour set. Wardrobe changes included. (Julian and Roc Nation, I’m kidding)
The absolute STAR of the film was not Joaquin, but Napoleon's trench coat. The length, the colour of the trench coat and the size of the lapels. Everything about the trench coat was tres chic. Can the costume department drop the link? I think I found a dupe on the Mango website.
If you’re looking for historical accuracy, you’re not going to find it in Napoleon. Joaquin did not even bother with accents so Napoleon Bonaparte, the French emperor and military commander who rose to prominence during the French Revolution sounds like every other white American from an American sitcom. Go on girl, give us nothing! You may instead, find yourself oddly feeling sorry for Napoleon. I know...
Napoleon spends 70% of the film being a big fat simp and the other 30% messing around with cannons. I mean we see him WEEPING over his wife Josephine cheating on him on more than one occasion.
Joséphine Bonaparte or as I like to call her the founding mother of the CITY GIRLS.
Whilst Napoleon was on his various military campaigns, he would write to her every single day. But she was too busy with her lovers to write back.
Ridley Scott took many creative liberties when constructing the story for his film, including changing the age of Joséphine to make her younger so she could be portrayed by Vanessa Kirby.
Vanessa, you ate girl. The weird chemistry between Vanessa and Joaquin worked so well that I felt like I was interrupting something when watching them on screen.
The film was surprisingly funny. I’m not sure if it is because the dialogue was funny, or I just find men wallowing in self-pity to be the funniest thing in the world.
As a feminist, it was hilarious to watch.
One thing Napoleon had was audacity. It takes a certain type of crazy to crown yourself Emperor after the people of France had expressed their deep hatred for the concept of monarchy. The film captures Napoleon’s impudent nature incredibly well, I just know he’s smiling up from hell.
It was honestly fascinating seeing Napoleon come up with his military strategies when he was on a break from crying over Joséphine. But anytime there was a battle scene the only thing I could think of was how badly it must have STUNK on the battlefield.
Final Thoughts:
I honestly enjoyed the film, this isn’t Letterboxd so that’s all you need to know.
But here is a list of things I learned about Napoleon Bonaparte from Ridley Scott’s Napoleon instead:
Napoleon had severe mommy issues
He would have been ABBA’s biggest stan
Napoleon would have loved Damien Rice’s 2001 hit Cannonball that was later covered by Little Mix in 2011 which they released as their X Factor winner’s single that went Number 1.
Napoleon had a great fashion sense
He was basically on house arrest until his death
And most importantly, Napoleon put short men on the map.